


Out of Reach

by Garota_Nerd



Series: Agony [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Rise of Kylo Ren (Comics)
Genre: Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Ben Solo is a Mess, Ben Solo is torned apart, Canon Compliant - Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Confused Ben Solo, Gen, Han Solo Dies, Hopeless Kylo Ren, Jedi Ben Solo, Kylo Ren Angst, Kylo Ren Has Issues, Kylo Ren Needs a Hug, Not Beta Read, POV Ben Solo, Parent Han Solo, Star Wars: The Rise of Kylo Ren (Comics) Compliant, Young Ben Solo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-05
Updated: 2020-12-05
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:01:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27710378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Garota_Nerd/pseuds/Garota_Nerd
Summary: AgonyBeyond power of speechWhen the one thing you wantIs the only thing out of your reach
Relationships: Ben Solo & Han Solo, Chewbacca & Ben Solo, Kylo Ren & Snoke, Leia Organa & Ben Solo & Han Solo, Leia Organa & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Luke Skywalker & Ben Solo, Rey & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Snoke & Ben Solo
Series: Agony [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2026711
Comments: 1
Kudos: 2





	Out of Reach

He knew that if he ever saw his father again, it wouldn't be in good circumstances. So, he prepared himself, for six years he nurtured his hate, his anger, his pain, his sadness, his bittersweet love for the father, his hero, the man he tried so hard to emulate. In the beginning, he felt only admiration and love towards his father, he worshipped the floor the man walked. He would look at him and think _I am going to be like him one day... He is going to be proud of me... I will be the best damn pilot in the galaxy like him..._ But as the time passed, the distance between them grew, his father would take the _Falcon_ and Uncle Chewie, they wouldn't come back for weeks... He remembers the one time he went with them, he sneaked in the ship, his father didn't notice him until it was too late, he thought the man would have no choice but to let him go with him then, not really what happened but in the end he thought they had fun, they beat the bad guys and got the cool butterflies free. He never had a trip with Han Solo again, two years later he was sent away to be a jedi. It felt so pointless now, all the time he tried so hard to not listen to the voice inside his head, only for it to be right at the end of the day, he had been a burden to his parents, and they dropped him at Luke's feet hoping for the best. He hadn't thought his parents abandoned him immediately, but as the months passed neither came to visit, both sent holos but never came in person. If he wanted to see Leia he was the one who had to fly on a ship to wherever she was now and the last time he saw her he was 18. The last time he saw Han he was ten...

When he thought about seeing Han Solo again, it never crossed his mind that he would be old, neither did he expect the longing in his heart.

"Ben!" His voice was gruffier than before.

"Han Solo. I've been waiting for this day for a long time." _Two decades! Two damn decades! He never cared, did he? **No, my boy he didn't. But I do.**_

"Take off that mask. You don't need it." _I can't. If I take it off, you will only see a monster, you will fear me... like you always have._

"What do you think you'll see if I do?" _Amonsteramonsteramonsteramonsteramonsteramonstermonstermonstermonstermons_

"The face of my son." _S-Son?_ Snoke hisses in the background **_You still have light in you, too much of your father's heart!_** He imagines he will suffer for this later but he takes off the mask slowly, like he did it for the girl.

"Your son is gone. He was weak and foolish like his father." _He called me son. Wh-Why?_

"That's what Snoke wants you to believe. But it's not true. My son is alive." _He is right, I know. But I can't, I am not enough. I was never enough._

"No. The Supreme Leader is wise." _He helped, when Luke tried to kill me. He helped, he listened. **You are special, you have the potential of your bloodline,** **young Solo. Skywalker held you back.**_

"Snoke is using you for your power. When he gets what he wants, he'll crush you. You know it's true." _I know. But I can't go back. I can never go back._

"It's too late." _It is_

"No, it's not. Leave here with me. Come home. We miss you." _Home..._

"I'm being torn apart. I want to be free of this pain. I know what I have to do but I don't know if I have the strength to do it. Will you help me?" _Helpmehelpmetakemehomepapatakemehome_

"Yes. Anything." **_You can't go back, young Solo. You will finish what you started, what your grandfather started. The darkness was always a part of you and it will always be._**

_Papa, help me. I can't go home. I can't look at Mama after everything. I can't do this alone. Stop me. **He left you. He left your mother. He comes now out of guilt for his mistakes, not out of**_ **LOVE** **.** _ **He looks so determined to help now, why didn't he ever help you before? Why didn't he ever tell you the truth? Why did he leave you? Where was he? I was here for you**_ He strucks, he doesn't remember igniting his saber. He feels his father through the force... Fading... He feels... L-love? Forgiveness? It feels surreal.

"Thank you." He says quietly. He isn't sure what he is thanking his dad for, he doesn't feel closer to the dark side or the light. He feels broken

He can hardly think until he feels the bowcaster shot hit him. And then he feels pain, anger, hate all at once.

He wants peace. Love. Home. Forgiveness. But it's out of reach...

**Author's Note:**

> This one-shot was inspired by the song Agony from the musical Into the Woods. I thought the song was fitting for Ben Solo, I know in the play it had more of a comedy feel but when you take the lyrics apart, I think it depicts Kylo Ren/Ben Solo in the different stages of his conflicted character beautifully. I wrote this purely out of Kylo's/Ben's perspective. It's not a bashing towards any character. The words written in italics are Ben's thoughts and what is written in bold is Snoke talking in his head.  
> Comment below what you think. And if you see any grammar or orthography mistakes please tell me. Thank you.


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